TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have One more position wherever American Adult males can wear robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Every person a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide Trump Tower Damascus watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he must halt utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from space, a element remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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